Monday, February 6, 2012

More Holiness Give Me


Friday I went in for a prenatal appointment, feeling like I had finally found a good doctor after lots and lots of searching. Everything went was great, my weight was up two lbs from the last visit (BIG news for me...), I haven't been nauseous for weeks, and my energy was up. Thanks to the glorious second trimester! 

She said my uterus felt a little small when she was doing the hands on examination, but that's what the doctor said when I had my first baby, too. No big news there. Then is was time to hear the heart beat, and using the small hand held sonogram machine she put it on my stomach, but I didn't hear anything. She couldn't find it. "Don't worry yet, hon, this happens quite often" she said. From there she brought in a little ultrasound machine, but it was blurry. Then she took me into the ultrasound room, and had the tech do a real ultrasound. She measured the uterus and the head circumference and let the computer run the numbers. "It's small" she said. Then she came around the bed and stood by me as the technician moved the machine to see the babies body. And the heartbeat. That teeny little heartbeat. I could see with my eyes that the baby wasn't moving at all. I could see the colors on the screen flashing my heartbeat, but not the babies. I could see exactly what was happening, but I still had to hear those words from that sweet lady standing by my side. She held my hand and said, "Honey, there is no heartbeat. I am so, so sorry."

That was hard to hear. Even though I could see exactly what was going on, I had to hear it. And it was so hard. I had to say those same words to my husband through my own sobbing over the phone just moments later. There is no heartbeat. This is so hard.

They said that the baby was measuring about 14 1/2 weeks, which is exactly when all the morning sickness disappeared. My mind says, "I'm 18 weeks along", but my ears hear that my baby died four weeks ago. My baby. Our baby.

Tests are being ran, we're waiting for answers. There might not be an answer or a reason, and that's okay too. There is no blame, and no hate. We are heartbroken, we are so so sad, and we are exhausted. But we also know that we are so blessed. There is peace in our hearts that everything will be okay. 


More Holiness Give Me, more striving within,
more patience in suffering, more sorrow for sin.
More faith in my Savior, more sense of His care,
more joy in His service, more purpose in prayer.
-Philip Paul Bliss




 

12 comments:

  1. Oh Becky. I am so sorry. I cried through this whole post. I love you.

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  2. Becky..my heart aches for you now. I'm so sorry.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this Becky. I'm praying for you!

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  4. To think I have not stopped by for sometime and this is the day I get a chance to visit. My heart goes out to you, along with some prayers.

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  5. So very sad my sweet sweet sister. we love you!

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  6. I wish there was something of comfort I could say, some way to help share your pain and heartache. You are an amazing woman and to see you share this and to see your faith and acceptance is completely inspiring.

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  7. I haven't checked your blog for months and today is the day I do! Between Rosie and Caleb I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. We'd already heard the heartbeat and told everyone-but I had really bad morning sickness with it too! I was by myself and they couldn't find the heart beat and I had to get the ultrasound where you can see the still little body. . . I felt like I was re-reading my own experience! Mine ended up being a partial Molar pregnancy. I know what you are going through and it is really hard. You have an amazing attitude! Have lots of good cries. It will get better, but let yourself mourn too. And make sure Neal is allowed to too. I know Barak felt overlooked during all the sadness, but we got some great material when I went in for my D&C that talked about Dad's feelings in the whole deal. It really helped him. I'll be praying for you. If you want to talk I'd love to hear from you! My number is 440.539.8122. Love you!

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  8. Oh Becks, you are always such a pillar of strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers! I miss you!

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  9. Oh Becky, I'm so, so sorry. This just breaks my heart. I cried through your post. I hate grief and loss and suffering and I hate when someone I love has to through it. You are strong and your relationship with the Savior will help you through this.
    xoxoxo

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  10. Becky, I'm so very, very sorry to hear about your loss. I also cried through this post. You are so strong and brave to share your story and am I'm inspired by your faith. My many thoughts and prayers are with you, Neal and Genevieve. Sending all my love!

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  11. Becky, I just read this update-- I am so sorry for your loss, know that I absolutely LOVE you and am thinking of you!

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